Monday, 10 August 2015
Words to describe my karate journey of late (like the last 2 years late).
I feel like I've lost the thread that kept me focused on what I loved about karate and I can't seem to grab the end back. I have a few weeks where I'm back at things and seem to be getting a grip on it again and then I'm back to square one of feeling lost, unsure and ungrounded about the whole thing.
I'm working hard at the moment, mentally, to try and unpick what's going on. Family trauma's aside, the past few years, what is it that's made something I loved with such passion something that has me confused and unsure?
There are changes to me, that's for certain. My priorities about my time and what I do and have to do have changed with changes to work and the kids getting older and the arrival of the gigantapuppies. Physical changes within myself - I'm not getting any younger. My knees are not getting any less knackered. My back is not getting any less decrepit!
There are also club changes that have occurred while I've been sporadic in my attendance. It's inevitable I suppose when a club starts to grow past a certain size that politics will start to play a part. When the club is big enough for politics, but not so big that the politics can be impersonal then it can have a big impact. It brings with it an element of negativity that I've never seen before, which makes me uncomfortable. It impacts on my desire to be there. Even with deliberate non-involvement it impacts on my training, on my thoughts about training, on my experiences there.
These things make me harp back to an earlier time. When I could see my reasons for being there. They were clear to me. My goal was clear to me. My learning was clear to me (even if I didn't always feel it was going in the right direction). Clarity brought (mental) comfort and a sense of belonging. I feel apart from things, but I know that a huge part of that is of my own doing.
I don't know if I can see a "forward" from where I am at the moment. I know things cannot go back. It's a futile exercise in life to expect otherwise, but I'm asking myself if I cannot go forward, or backwards then does that mean it is time to stop trying to go anywhere but sideways? Does there need to be a step away. A real one. A cut and run. Am I ready for that? Part of me says no, but what is that part holding on for? If it's the wrong reasons then holding on is the wrong choice.
Am I making this more complicated than it need to be?
Who decided life choices were supposed to be so hard on the brain?
Off to mull things over more.
Posted by Marie Kendrick at 16:03
Posted by Marie Kendrick at 14:51